by Jayne A. Major, Ph. D.
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Receptive listening is a communication skill that makes the biggest difference between successful or failed relationships. Considerable amount of mental and physical illness is the direct result of stored pain because a person has not been adequately listened to. One of the greatest gifts we can give another is to care enough to take the time to REALLY hear what the person is feeling and thinking, even if what the person has to say is unpleasant to hear.

It isn’t hard to listen receptively; it means figuring out what the other person is feeling about the situation and to have a good idea about why they feel that way. If you add the component of concern, then you are showing compassion. If you can do this consistently, you are a good receptive listener.

When the other person wants to tell you something important, a good receptive listener will know that this is not an invitation for conversation, and will let the other person talk. As the other person is talking to you:

A. Give signals that you are paying attention:

Use constant eye contact.
Body language that shows you are attentive: nod your head, lean toward the person, make appropriate facial expressions.
Use door openers or short phrases that demonstrate you are listening:“I see, really, that’s hard, I understand, wow! My goodness, ah huh”…there are hundreds of these expressions.
Stop all interruptions such as telephones, TV and other people who might interfere.

B. Build trust:

“This is just between you and me. I won’t tell anyone you don’t want me to tell.” And, of course, keep your promise.
Allow thoughts and feelings to flow freely, even if the person is very excited, deliriously happy, angry, frightened, isn’t logical, or even crazy, crying, depressed or using the accusatory you on YOU. Don’t cut them short.

C. Mistakes to avoid:

Taking over and turning the situation into something personal about you, such as:

Interrupting the person so you can tell your story.
Asking questions – they are manipulative and steer the person in an involuntary direction.
Becoming as emotional as they are.
Trying to solve their problem for them – this is one of the most common mistakes people have made. You have an urge to feel like they are being helpful. We try to make people more logical during a time when they are in their drama and becoming self-serving. Later, after emotions have subsided, and the person shifts into logic, your facilitating problem solving may be helpful.
Pretending you are listening when you aren’t. Set another time to listen if you can’t give full attention now.
Saying, “I know how you feel.” – you don’t.
Becoming defensive and blaming them for mistakes that have been made.

D. Perception checking:

When people have finished telling their story do perception checking to see if you understood correctly. You may not have. Sum up what the person is saying with a simple statement. Don’t turn it into a discussion unless that is appropriate.

“You are really afraid that your daughter might get hurt by the fast crowd she is associating with.”

“You are excited about the possibility of a new job and lots more money.”

“You are so sad that your father died. You miss him.”

“You are pleased that you are a modern, breakthrough parent. Lots of people complement you on the great relationship that you have with your children.”

“You don’t know what you are going to do about this letter from the IRS. It’s a worry for you.

An emotional person tends to express many things that are perceived to be illogical by the listener. A knee jerk reaction is to get them to settle down and be logical so they can be logical.



Originally Posted: Aug 1, 2008 at 10:02 AM
Last Updated: Aug 1, 2008 at 10:02 AM
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